My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
