just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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