I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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