D3 body, D1 cock
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
