You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
