this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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