Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
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And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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