it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
