Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
