but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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