I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
