She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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