I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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