The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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