I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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