seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
