I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
