Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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