Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
