last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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