dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
