He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
