Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
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My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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