Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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