god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
