it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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