1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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