It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
