i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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