i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
