Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
