bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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