Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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