Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
