Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
