A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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