What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
