I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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