we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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