dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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