no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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