you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
