I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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