my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
