Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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