Got a toothbrush?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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