I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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