I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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