I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
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apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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