how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
