she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just forgot I was standing up.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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