I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
