I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
