So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
